Who Am I?

This is a question I've been wrestling with recently, but it's been brewing since the end of August. That's when I left my job at KSPR so that I could actually see my husband and be a better wife and mom to my two step-daughters. I always told myself my job wouldn't be my identity; it would be part of who I was but not completely who I was. Well, I may not have done a very good job. For nearly six years, a big part of my identity was that I was a sports reporter then sports director. I felt like I had a purpose and I kinda knew who I was.

Now, I'm not so sure. I don't regret leaving - at all. My husband and my family will tell you I'm much, much happier since I left. Plus, we've learned to depend on God a lot more and not our paychecks or our own ability. There are definitely a ton of good things that have come, but lately I've started to feel like a stranger. I don't completely feel like I have something that's mine. Does that make me selfish? When I was working, I had my job and the material I put on tv. Then I would come home and my husband and I would talk about it. Now, I don't feel like I have anything. I do things around the house, but on a limited budget I'm limited in what I can do.

God has really been dealing with me about Proverbs 3:5-6. "Trust in the LORD with all thine heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths." That basically tells me to turn all the control over to God and let him lead me. That's really hard. The natural tendency is to try and figure things out in your head, but that's disobeying what he has said. I'm trying not to sit and figure out all the things I could be doing. I'm trying to pray and let him lead me.

I know he has plans for me. "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you" (Jeremiah 1:5); and "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." The plans are clearly there and have been my whole life. I believe God has called me to big things, but now for the hard part - waiting for him to direct my path and show me what those plans are.

Dream a Little Dream for Me

It's funny. God will lead us to do something, we do it our way and then he finds a way to kind of steer us in his direction. Just after the first of the year, I felt like God was telling me to write a blog about daily things we face and how to deal with those things according to the bible. It took me a little bit, but I finally started. I only made three posts before I felt like I ran out of things to write about. Last week I was perusing Facebook when I came across a post from a woman I respect that was a link to her blog. I read it, and it was like God had shown me that to help steer me in a different direction. I definitely encourage you to read the blog at http://www.julimize.com/ - it is wonderful. So, there will be more posts from now on about more day-to-day things I think and deal with; and I'm sure I'm not the only one going through these things.

I love to daydream; I've always had a very active imagination. Lately I've found myself dreaming about what I want to be when I grow up. I know that sounds strange for an adult to say that, but it feels like it's true. When I was 17 I decided I wanted to be a sports journalist - that's all I've ever wanted to be. After God blessed me with an amazing husband and two beautiful step-daughters my career dreams began to change. It wasn't feasible to be working until 11 o'clock at night. Psalm 37:4 says delight yourself in the Lord and he'll give you the desires of your heart. I believe this works two ways - 1)if you want something and ask for it, God will answer your prayer and 2)God puts those desires in your heart.

I believe my daydreaming is a way God can lead me. There are some dreams I now have that a few years ago I would have laughed at. I'm not sure what direction God is taking me in, but I believe at least some of those dreams are a way of leading me. Right now my biggest dream is to own my own bakery. I would love to spend my day baking breads, cookies and cakes. I'm not a pastry chef (although I would love to be able to go back to school to be one!), but maybe I'm going to be able to use my love of baking to minister to people. I don't really know, but I can't wait to find out what path God has for me.

Since leaving KSPR in August, I don't really feel like I have much of a sense of what I'm supposed to be doing with my life, but I know God has plans for me. And the best part is, I don't have to figure it out! Proverbs 3:5-6 tells me not to lean on my own understanding, but to acknowledge the Lord and he'll direct my paths. I just have to trust in him and let him lead me. And, I just get to keep on dreaming!!